So this weekend has been incredibly lazy. Friday night I staying because I was sick… went to bed at midnight and slept till noon Saturday. Went grocery shopping. Then I took a nap at 4.

But the interesting part was Saturday night. I went over to Alec’s place because he was having a kegger. It ended up being huge. I got a little drunk (I’m pretty sure I’m done taking my Methotrexate for awhile. I’m tired of getting sick and not being able to drink), and I stayed the night at Alex’s, as per usual. Turns out I’m a lot better at pacing my drinking now than I used to be.

Good for me.

*sigh* He says a lot of things when he’s drunk

Things I really want to believe

I like you

I think you’re really cool

I like to be around you

But I can’t

Believe it, I mean

Because he doesn’t say things like that when he’s sober

In fact he doesn’t say much

But he swears it’s true when he’s drunk

And he’s drunk a lot

Happy 4/20 everyone.

Where did the body shaking cough come from!? Ironic that I start coughing when I quit smoking (by the way, not a single cigarette today). If this doesn’t get better I’m gonna have to get it checked out. It’s really bad. I actually skipped choir for the first time since I thought my spine was going to liberate itself from my body.

It never actually did, just in case you were wondering.

DayQuil is sounding goooood right now.

And. Just when I’m almost entirely ready to throw my hands up in the air and walk away, he finds some small way to get me to look over my shoulder (it’s so easy, too). Of course, every time I do that, I stop walking, and turn around. Then, slowly with slumped shoulders and rolling eyes, I begin the long trek back to where I came from. Shuffling my feet the entire way.

That’s what I’m doing right now. Dragging my feet, zombie-like.

I’m getting worn down. It’s not a good sign.

Next debilitating arthritis flare I get… I think I’m going to make a concerted effort to watch a shit ton of movies. I’m so far behind on my movie-watching. I feel like a bad member of the 18-24 yr old demographic.

*le sigh*

I need a cigarette!!!

I’m trying to quit… it’s not going well.

Also… some interesting things happened on Saturday night. Things that I don’t really want to get in to. I haven’t decided whether or not I regret it yet. I’m leaving that up to him.

But to be completely honest, I’m really sick of this. I feel like I’m trying really hard and not getting much in return. I’m also not 100% sold that he’s all the way over the whole Danielle thing. Which is a big deal, because even though he’s already told me that this isn’t a rebound, I still feel that it is more often than not. And he’s so intensely awkward, and that means that I have to try even harder to compensate.

He shuts down when he “has a lot on his mind.” Which has been a lot lately. He pretty much completely stops talking… so in the interest of keeping things relevant, I usually try to make small talk. It’s usually something like trying to make conversation with a Great Dane. You get a response, and generally a warm one, but it’s very shallow and you never find out any new information. Opinion or otherwise.

It’s very frustrating because I know from experience that we’re both capable of interesting discourse.

I’m kind of trying to wait until he approaches me with whatever it is that he’s ruminating on, but I never can wait that long, so I’m probably going to just straight up ask him one of these days.

I went SHOPPINGGGGGG!

It was utterly delightful and I’m happy it happened. To think that I was actually considering cancelling on Amy…

I got new shoes (BCBG), a party shirt, some leggings, a pair of black skinny jeans, a necklace, and black cardigan. And I only spent about $120 *pats self on back*.

Also, it turns out I passed that min comp that I thought I failed. Which is good… but I subsequently forgot that the application exam is always the following evening. Aaaand I missed it. *forehead slap* So stupid. It doesn’t help that I’m still suffering from neck and back pain from that lame accident. I should probably study, hm?

*recommended by Alex

Today was a day.

I worked. I went to lab and got pancreas juice on my hands. I talked to Alex while simultaneously scarfing a Totino’s pizza (which I burped all day). I went to choir. And then I went to Walgreens to do some impulse grocery shopping and pick up some prescription drugs.

And that was my day.

But I’d like to elaborate on how much choir can suck. Don’t get me wrong, I love to sing and I really enjoy the music part… but the freaking first sopranos make me want to gouge my eyes out so my screaming will drown out their shrill, self-important, know-it-all voices. Now I’m a second soprano, which sounds like a demotion, but it isn’t. Basically second sopranos have the range of a soprano, with the ear of an alto (IE we can hear a harmony). They’re constantly piping in their opinions about what’s going on, yet they refuse to sing below mF because they’re OBVIOUSLY the most important part of the choir.

I pretty much sit in the back and make jokes about it with the girl who sits next me (I can’t remember her name—sorry choir buddy) almost the whole time. And to be entirely fair, not ALL the first sopranos are shrill, snotty, bitches. Just about 3 of them. But what they lack in numbers they make up for in volume.

Ok. Rob & Big is on. Check you nerds later.

Yeah. It’s over.

I was kind of upset last night, but I’m alright now.

*le sigh* That’s the way it goes. I can’t pretend I’m surprised, can I?

This whole thing is a lesson in and of itself. I’ll try to think of something more concise and get back to you later.

UPDATE:

Things are just a confusing as ever. After a short conversation we decided to leave it up in the air indefinitely until all of the drama dies down. So I guess rather than jumping right in or leaving it entirely behind, we’ve entered a state of relationship procrastination. And to be honest, I’m absolutely fine with it; if not entirely confident. I never did address the issue at the heart of the matter, which is that I’m unsure if he likes me.

I’m more sure than I was though, so I can let that insecurity fester for awhile. All this interpersonal conflict is wearing me down and I’m ready to let it be for little bit.

In other news, I’m watching The Stupids (unfortunately not for the first time). It’s everything the title promises. And then some.

I also got in another car accident yesterday. That makes two this year already (although, the first one this year was also the first one ever).  This time it wasn’t my fault, I got rear ended on my way to give Tom some sandwiches. Luckily, I was driving the truck, so the damage was minimal even though she hit me going at least 35. Her front end was annihilated though. I think it may have screwed up my back/neck again though. We’ll see.

Last and least, I completely forgot I had a min comp exam today. So I went and took it… and I’m pretty sure flunked. But it’s ok, they give you two retries on min comps.

Holy juicy drama batman. I can’t tell you about it but oh ho ho is it wonderful.

Today’s lesson: What goes around comes around.

So this ended up being a very uneventful weekend. Not that that’s a bad thing. I got a lot of sleep, so that’s probably good.

I have this nagging feeling that I can’t quite pin down. I know it’s directly related to this whole (for some reason I’m having a hard time using names right now)… complicated situation I find myself in the center of. I’m unhappy with how things are right now… I’m losing my patience. I’m not sure if he even likes me.

Well, I think he kind of does… but I don’t know for sure. He’s nearly impossible to read. And now all of these issues with Danielle are clouding my perceptions. I don’t trust myself to interpret things accurately; I have a long history of looking at things in the way that confirms what I want to believe.

I can’t deny that things seem to have stagnated.

I’m not sure how far I want to put myself out there for this. I’ve kind of been emotionally available, but the other side of that is the fact that I’m not all in. It’s not too late for me to throw my hands in the air in the interests of protecting myself. Sure I’ll be disappointed, but what I won’t be is embarrassed and/or heartbroken.

He’s not getting past Danielle quickly enough for my comfort. He’s not even addressed how he feels about *me*. Every time we get to some meaty issue it’s something to do with Danielle and how he doesn’t have feelings for her; he’s just pissed. He thinks she’s a crappy person.

It’s amazing how something so easily summed up can turn into hours’ worth of conversation. And that’s the problem… why do we have to spend so much time talking about that?

It’s over, isn’t it?

I’m speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?

So I’ve decided to try and learn a lesson every day. The operative word there is “try” because I don’t ever do anything every day.

Yesterday’s lesson: Inconsistent Capitalization keeps Things interesting.

Today’s Lesson: Sleeping all day is a good way to stay up all night.

They won’t always be so frivolous, but not much has happened these past few days. Minor new developments with Alex… but nothing worth mentioning. Mostly because it’s a long story for very little progression. And I’m lazy.

Still looking for something definite to do tonight… probably going to hang out with a girl who’s in one of my classes. Should be interesting.

But first I’m going to go buy some cigs… cause I don’t wanna get old.

It’s one thirty on a Saturday and I’m seriously considering taking a nap. Even though I just woke up an hour ago. I was up way late last night.

I saw Carsten for the first time in FOREVER! All we did was go to Steak N’ Shake and then stirred up some trouble at Wal-Mart. We had a lot of fun, I didn’t end up getting home until like 4. Aaaaand I still have my makeup on from last night. Ewwwww. I hate that because after a certain amount of time, my mascara starts flaking off and gets all up in my eyes.

Owie.

I think Brooke is coming into town tonight :) Yay! I’m not exactly sure what we’re going to do… but I’m fairly confident smoking will be involved. I should never have picked up that habit again. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll quit again soon enough, it’s not like I feel great when I smoke. A lot of times it just makes me shakey.

What else happened…? Oh yeah… had my second little encounter with my unskilled friend. Hahaha. Based on this one, I think there MAY be something salvageable there.

*yawn* I need coffee or something.

Ugh. I am so frustrated, and here’s why:

1)      I am intensely hormonal and I’m not getting the attention I want.

2)      My dad is a jerk. When you start a conversation with “You’re dumb,” OF COURSE I’m gonna be defensive and slightly irrational.

3)      I want to go out but I have to work in the morning and I have a test tomorrow.

4)      Speaking of which, I should be studying right now. I am nowhere near as prepared for this test as I should be.

5)      I really want to talk to and/or see this guy tonight but I feel like I’ve been overbearing lately. That’s an irritating combination, because that means that I have to sit around and hope that he gets ahold of me, and that just seems really unlikely right now.

God. Life is hard.

And my ex-boyfriend has been talking to me a lot and it makes me… confused? Suspicious? I don’t know… but I don’t trust him. And I really don’t want this to fuck up what I have with said other person.

Even though I don’t know if that’s what I really want.

Shit.

If I’m gonna go out I have to get ready now. I don’t know if it’s going to happen.

Sooo… I definitely slept through my class this morning. Oops. Sleeping just felt so gooooood, ya know? So good, in fact, that I couldn’t pry my ass out of bed at 9:30.

In other news, I realized last night how much I really like this guy I’ve been bitching and moaning about. Which is good, right? I really like him so now I can keep at it and come back to that little problem of skill some other time. For now, at least, I have a good enough excuse to keep him at arms length while I deliberate my options.

That excuse is that he used to like one of my friends and she told me that, even though she doesn’t want to date him, that she doesn’t want me to date him either (pretty shitty, but it’s working out well for me right now). So I’ve got at least 2 excuses directly related to her.

Here’s the thing… whenever I start playing around with the idea of dating someone, I picture introducing this person to everyone I’ve ever known. This usually is incredibly anxiety provoking, seeing as no guy I’ve ever dated has escaped the harsh scrutiny of my family, friends, and hometown busy bodies. Thinking on this last night gave me a full blown panic attack. I tell myself that it’s not important what other people think, blah blah blah, but the fact of the matter is that when it comes to who I choose to date it becomes disproportionately important.

My heart rate is increasing as I type this. I hate introducing people anyway, I feel like the people involved are going to judge me based on how much the like (or dislike) each other. Especially if the two (or more) people are both really important to me, and I feel like it’s REALLY important that things go smoothly. Which they usually don’t, but nothing of Meet the Parents magnitude has ever occurred.

*deep breath* All of this is premature. I’ll worry about this when the time comes, I’m going to try to put it on the back burner for awhile.

I need a cigarette almost as much as I need to quit smoking.

And I absolutely must get this paper started.

My day started at 7:00 AM, as it has every Tuesday (and Thursday and Friday) for the past few weeks. I have mixed feelings about this.

On the one hand, I’m proud of myself for having a job. Getting up before 9 makes me feel like a grown up. Working in the morning is nice because that way, when I’m done at noon, all I have to worry about is class and the basic rig-a-ma-roll of living.

Oh, and making a bit of extra money is nice, too.

On the other hand… I hate getting up early. I have no idea how I did this every day in high school. I used to get to school at 7:15 for jazz band. I’m pretty sure I used to get up around 5:45. I don’t know if it’ll ever be as easy to get up for work as it was to get up for jazz band (because I REALLY liked jazz band), but hopefully it’ll start getting less torturous.

While I’m talking about work… this is the only job I’ve ever had where I wasn’t crawling out of my skin by the end of my shift. When I was doing food service and retail, a 4 hour shift seemed to last for 8. And an 8 hour shift was like some sort of strange time-warp where I spent 24 hours working, but when I left the store, only 8 hours had elapsed.

Miserable.

I realize that this has probably been a very boring post, so I’m going to wander into a subject I was originally not going to address. Part of the reason I’ve struggled to make something coherent so far is because my brain is focused on this and only this, and I’m warning you now it may make you uncomfortable. Because I’m about to bitch about my period. So read on if you want.

First, bleeding is huge pain in the ass to keep up with. Gross, right? Yeah, and making sure it doesn’t get too gross makes hygiene an absolute chore. On top of having to be overly self conscious about cleanliness, the fatigue is ridiculous. Compounded with the usual weariness caused by my rheumatoid arthritis, it gets a bit rough. Bloating is never fun, body aches suck, but the absolute worst part is the cramps. It’s like my uterus grew teeth and is trying to eat its way out of my body.

On the bright side, that part usually only lasts one day. And I do find myself feeling a bit crazy the day before my period starts, but I feel like I control it pretty well. I suppose you’d have to ask the people around me to know for sure though.

It’s only 12:30(ish) and it’s already been a somewhat eventful day.

First, I was woken up by a Hawkalert warning me of an active shooting occurring in the Iowa City area.  This was followed by numerous updates throughout the rest of the morning. Turns out that there was no threat to the campus, but some guy did lose it and shoot his four kids and wife. They think they found him burnt to a crisp in his tan van. Don’t quote me though, I haven’t checked my facts.

As sad as this is, do I really need every tragedy that happens in my region sent to my phone? I guess if he was driving around armed popping random folks on the street I’d want to know about that… but that just doesn’t seem to be the case.

Second, my professor answered her cell phone in the middle of lecture this morning. Turns out she’s having some kind of family medical issue and needed to be able to take calls or something… but, seriously, it was the most awkward thing that has ever happened in a lecture. She just turned the microphone off and walked over to the side of the room. Then when she came back she couldn’t remember where she left off and spent what felt like an ETERNITY trying to find herself.

Have you ever been watching a play when someone forgot their lines? And you just had to sit there and squirm while they tried to recover? It was that kind of uncomfortable. I felt really bad for her… like I should have said “It’s no big deal, don’t worry about it” or something… but you can’t just shout that in a lecture hall.

Although it definitely would have shifted the focus.

In other news, I still haven’t figured out exactly what I’m going to do about the aforementioned boy issue. But I have decided that doing nothing will not suffice, so eventually I’m going to have to make a decision. No matter what, though, I’m going to have to sit through a VERY uncomfortable discussion. Either about why I suddenly changed my mind or… talking candidly about what’s lacking.

*Barfs*

This sucks.

And now I'm off to have a lunchy-thing with my ex-boyfriend so I can pick up my Stat notes. Our little exchanges are always an interesting, if not tense, affair.